11.20.01:: a movie script ending.

i needed this weekend. i needed this weekend so much. for myself, my sanity, for me to realize that i'm not stuck in the suffocating bubble that i foolishly created for myself at that time. the driving was interesting. bn mentioned how a long drive would be good because it would give me time to think. and think, i did. but it's weird because i do a lot of this sort of "what am i doing?" thinking while i'm driving somewhere. and it's horrible, because in that small moment, everything is clear and i have everything in the world figured out. then i come to my destination and everything is forgotten. sometimes, i try to write it down. i make it a thing to always keep a notebook on me, or somewhere strewn along in my car. however, i've found it rather difficult trying to jot down thoughts while changing lanes on a busy freeway. so that doesn't usually work. and for a drive as long as this, it's weird. it does get monotonous sitting there, but i don't think i'd be able to do such a drive without being able to be alone with my thoughts. i really value my quiet time, as i don't get a lot of it. i mean, i go to shows and i enjoy the noise there, but i don't enjoy it when i come back home. i don't like hearing voices other than my own, and maybe tv. for as long as i remember, i've always been in a mostly noisy environment, so i get really cranky when it comes to personal time doing nothing but listening to my television and typing on my laptop. that's also another reason to why i dislike the phone, and well, a main one, but i'm not talking about that today. so i circled through a few cds my whole drive up there. it was calm and the countryside was rather nice. one of the pit stops ended up being in pismo beach, when i had to fill up on gasoline. there were two gas station boys working there. i haven't seen a full-service station in a long time and unfortunately, i pulled into one. although half of it was full-service and half of it was self-service gasoline. i drove a whirlabout to the self-service side and popped out of the car. those two boys looked somewhere around 18-21, no older. one made his way into the cashier's office and the other walked toward my car. i was feeling a bit nervous, because i really hoped that he wasn't going to do all this stuff to my car. all i wanted to do was gas up the car and head on my way. so i paid and stepped out of the little office area. the guy who walked toward my car was currently cleaning up my front window, which, at this point, was splattered with every kind of flying insect you can get driving from los angeles to central california. damn, i muttered. i didn't want anyone helping me out in any way. no one's ever heard of a stop-n-go gas station? so i stand there, silently cursing the gas meter to speed up a bit, when i heard the guy talk. "so, you go to college, huh?" i was confused for a bit, but realized that he had seen my school parking placard. he then asked me how my school was and if i liked it, etc. it was really funny, because this guy seemed like he was in a completely different world. he wasn't bad looking, but he looked like one of those preppy blonde guys you'd see in some movie set in a 1950s private school. or more like those semi hicked-out guys who work in car garages. once the 5pm sounding bell sounds, their equally hick friends come by in a big, dirty truck. the guy gives a hearty "wahoo!" and jumps into the back of the truck, on their way to a giant mud puddle drunken bonfire party. not my sort of cute, i suppose. he had just about a trace of an accent and he seemed oddly interested in schooling in los angeles. finally, the gas nozzle jerked. the tank was full. i was about to run into the cashier's office when the guy motioned for me to halt and ran into the office instead. i looked up on top of the gas nozzle station and it said "self-service," i'm sure of it. then i cursed again. i figured, you know, especially since i have change, he's going to expect a tip. goddamn. so i ended up giving him a decent tip and went along my way. i vowed that i'd stop at a more populated area the next time i was going to stop for gas.

so with odd patches of traffic around the parts, i finally made my way to megyn's. i love the fact that her house give out this nice inviting feeling. it's cozy and has a remote-controlled fireplace. you can't not like that. i was feeling oddly crampy from the drive up there so i didn't feel like doing much, which i felt bad for. my shoulders felt separated and would ache whenever i tried to stretch. i don't know how that can happen simply by manuevering a steering wheel, but whatever. we had to wake up early the next morning anyhow since megyn had an exhibition in the city for her art class. the next day had to have been one of the longest days i've had in a long time. maybe it was because i have yet to wake up this early since god knows when, but the day seemed to rewind itself, play, then rewind itself over again, a total of three times. to make a long story short, my experience in the actual city wasn't too pleasant an experience for me. for one, i received a parking ticket for a meter that indicated that it was a saturday meter (meaning that if it was saturday, we still had to pay for the meter) in the smallest, most blurry print inside the glass. nevertheless, none of us noticed the fineprint and thus, arrived as the officer who ticketed me was walking away. and that was how i began that day. the rest of the day was mostly driving around and trying to handle the traffic in that city. i don't know why the hell everyone complains about traffic and driving around in los angeles because it's just ten times worse in san francisco. especially since i've involved myself in such a lovely relationship with my car. my last car, i temporarily named "bitch," because i never really liked it, and it wasn't all that good to me. that name stuck with it. and since i've acquired this particular car, the car i've wanted since i started driving, i've never gotten around to naming it. i really love this car and it's the one place that provides me infinite privacy. well, not infinite, but as much as i need when i need it. anyhow, i feared for its protection while out there. the narrow roads were never friends of mine, so driving on these streets had myself exercising more caution that i ever normally do with anything. which, i suppose is good, but still. worrying about my car doesn't do any good for stress wrinkles.

so that day was bad. we salvaged it by having a nice dinner at some soup and salad place that is apparently this mad-chain up in the norcal/central california area. we then walked around some shopping areas as i complained about the time. megyn bought spice girl figurines. i held myself to buying nothing, since i didn't want to spend the money that i had. gas in norcal is amazingly expensive. as a gallon of gasoline up there is somewhere around $1.69, gasoline down here is $1.12. also, considering the rank amount of debt i'm in, i wasn't going to push it. my mom was extremely nice enough to let me have some money to spend, which i wasn't expecting at all. i had planned to withdraw some money from my credit card, when she literally handed over somewhere around $80. at first, i said no. but she insisted, and i did take it. but i felt like such a horrible person for taking it. for that, i vowed to spend as little as i could and return to her as much as i could. i couldn't have not taken in, because i really would've just put myself in the doghouse in regards to bills and the like. but it really amazed me that my mom just offered to do that. i never expect her to hand me any money anymore in regards to personal spending. it just seems like such a cop out. right at 18, it seemed wrong. somehow, it doesn't seem wrong when i pester my sister for a few dollars here and there for things like a smoothie or something, but not my mom. it's just somewhere i don't want to go. so after lounging around back at megyn's house, figuring out what to do with ourselves, we decided to go out to see a movie. i know, i know. i can't stand watching movies. i hate movie theaters. i don't like the idea of paying for a movie much more than i like watching a movie in a theater. and what's with watching two movies in the time span of a month? i'm not converting from my initial stance, but i have to say that this was an exception. also, i won't mention the movie because doing so will cause unnecessary mockery. with that, most people will probably have guessed that i went to see that lance bass debacle. the only theater that was showing it was some theater in san jose, so off we went. we had stadium seating, so i was able to luxuriously stretch out along four seats (the theater was practically empty. imagine that). we arrived home not too late, and promptly fell asleep not to long afterward, as we were both pretty tired from the long day and the movie showing was a late one anyhow.

the next day was better. i met megyn's friend evie, who was every bit as megyn described her. i don't know many people (except for my mom) who can get collectively louder as they are talking. that was also the day of the death cab show. so it had to go well, right?

the prom was a very cute band. they were kinda very poppy, the type that you can only listen to when you're in that certain mood. megyn said they sounded like ben folds five and after a while, i began thinking that too. but the bass player made us both smile. during the middle of their set, while the singer/keyboardist was doing a solo of sorts, he (bass player) walked around stage on his knees, taking pictures of his bandmates. when he finished, he wobbled his way to the front end of the stage and took a love letter picture of himself in front of the smiling audience. you just can't not smile a little at that. also, i was convinced that he looked and played exactly like jay. except he was way skinnier, and much hairier. i wrote this on a note i passed to megyn (hey, biology class!) and she gave me this look like "oh my god, you're insane." and really, even though he did sorta look like jay, i'm truly in that wacko boat for even noticing it. first step to self-betterment (if it's not, it's a word now.. oh my god, i'm losing my vocabulary) is realization. sad that this had to be a rather sad realization. but regardless.

then, death cab.

there's this feeling you get when you watch someone you admire so, whom you think is so amazing. there isn't that same urgency with this band as there is with others. but when you're in that moment, watching and listening as these songs come to life.. it's so far from any descriptive term i can think of at this very moment. it's funny because you often read about experiences with music and how sometimes it can affect someone so much, or captivate someone to the point where they're almost hypnotized. and i'll see bands and i can see if i like them or not. i can see if their stage presence appeals to me and i can see if they're good. i'll call a band great and wonderful, but i've never actually had a point where i've just been so taken with what i was hearing and watching that i literally snapped myself into this singsong trance. the first time i ever saw death cab, i remember watching ben for the whole first 15 minutes because i simply couldn't take my eyes off of him. he's not the most attractive guy in the world, but i absolutely adore him. there is something more about him other than physical stature/characteristics that makes him look so appealing. and i wasn't just staring at him, i was watching everything that he was singing. watching every little movement, every waver in his voice. watching all of that came out of him at that particular moment. and i couldn't move my eyes. until, of course, my view became obstructed and i had no choice but to move out of the room. but when i had that clear view of him, it was so strange. i'll never giddy crush over him nor will i ever speak a word to him, but he's just one of those people whom you want to admire and leave it at that. it's such a great feeling this way, so why touch and disturb the glass with fingerprints and holes. this is the first time i've seen a whole set with nothing to disturb me and nothing to distract me. i had one of the best views in the house, as well. every so often, we would see ben turn in our direction, softly close his eyes, and sway unknowingly, in tune with the music. it all just fit together so well. the atmosphere of the place, the enjoyable company, the just right lighting... made the music feel that much warmer.

and i have to stop. because writing this much about something like this.. it feels strange. but i have just about a million words to describe the lightness of the evening and the feelings that it evoked in me.

the show was nice.

during the death cab encore, i noticed some guy with a rather large, bulky camera, trying to stick it over the handrail. (megyn and i were sitting in a rather nice spot on the balcony, overlooking the stage directly.) for some reason, something clicked. i knew him! but where did i know him from? wait. he was filming death cab. film. death cab. ben. click! i literally heard it come together in my head. this was the same guy who did the all-time quarterback video that i have been fawning over since the day i saw it. i had emailed him a few times and he was always very nice and polite even though i'm sure he had better things to do than email me, as he was a film student working on his graduate thesis. i wanted to know if it was him or not, but i didn't want to chase him around. so i let it go. as the show ended, we made our way to the merch table. there, megyn met up with her friend erica, who is seriously one of the nicest girls i've met, but haven't really talked to and the like. as megyn is contemplating a death cab shirt, i walk to purchase a cd from the prom's table. the guy who sold me the cd was very nice and very grateful that i purchased a cd. and for the life of me, i couldn't even tell if he was in the band or not. since we were in the balcony, directly over the stage, i had absolutely no view of the drummer. well, i could see his feet. but that doesn't exactly help much. so i didn't know if he was in the band or not. so instead of risking the possibility of making a fool out of myself if he wasn't in the band, i just smiled politely, nodded like a moron, and walked away. turns out he was in the band, and yes, he was the drummer that i couldn't see. but anyhow. as i turned away from the table, that guy with the bulky cameras comes walking by. perfect opportunity, right? i tap him on the shoulder and ask him if he's the guy who owns this particular domain. how nerdy, no? but he nods enthusiastically and so i tell him how great i think his all-time quarterback video is. he suddenly asks if i've ever emailed him or talked to him before. i nod, and he asks my name. once i tell him, his face reacts in recognition of the name. "oh hey, connie! connie k, right?" this gives me the biggest smile, because 1) i'm don't expect anyone to remember me, recognize me, or anything, and 2) it's funny when people just call me "connie k" well.. just because. i ask him if the footage he's shooting is for the death cab documentary he had drafted since the last time i had emailed him. we talked for a little bit, and he excused himself because he had to film a bunch more footage since it was the last night of tour. he ended up running around the whole venue, and coming back from time to time to talk to me. each time, apologizing about running around the venue with his crazy camera. but he did tell me how they had all stayed up until 5am the previous morning watching the meteor shower. which, for death cab, i think, has to be the cutest scenario happening.. ever. but he was a really nice guy and i honestly didn't expect him to remember my name or take time to come by to talk to me. so i thought that was really nice.

so a handful of girls and i are kind of standing around, waiting for others to wrap up their merch buying and the like, when we notice the death cab members and the prom members gathering onstage. we then realized they were taking a group picture, since it was the last night. the death cab boys looked nice, but the prom boys were making the silliest poses. and if i could've chosen a time to just die from cuteness overexposure, i would've been happy choosing that moment. even megyn couldn't help but smile and remark, "okay, it's getting way too cute in here, we have to leave, now." to which i smiled and said simply, "oh no, we're so not leaving right now." it's funny gushing about this because seeing some of these things just makes you have to smile. antics, people, the way others get along with one another, it's all just gold to me. and it feels a lot better than what i have been feeling lately. it's almost like an escape, but not so. for some people, if a disaster strikes, they bake a cake. for others, they watch television. some take up new hobbies, some go for long drives. it helps you cope because you're not sure how to. i do all of those things. but the only thing that helps is seeing the general humor and earnest quality some people have. sometimes i end up seeing it in my niece, my mom, the friends i hold dear, and sometimes in strangers i see while walking down the aisle in a grocery store. and that will light up my day. it's weird how the faith i have in strangers can have that sort of effect. but it's still great nonetheless. it was getting a little bit late so we all said our goodbyes. once we arrived back at megyn's place, she was tired so she went right to sleep. i stayed up a bit to write some of this, but fell asleep promptly after a few sentences.

the next morning, i left the bay area around 8am. i was kind of dazed and it was nice and brightly white outside. i hate driving when it's like that because i'm literally blinded and my glasses don't help. six hours and a close call to a speeding ticket later, i arrived home sometime around 3pm, ready to pass out on the bed i left behind. my mom runs into the room, apparently fresh from being out all day, and rants about wanting to have some lunch. i didn't complain, as i hadn't had a bite to eat since i was so anxious to finish the drive and get back home. as we were sitting in a cafe, she told me about how my dad was spotted driving around the city, looking older than a prune, with a new and younger girl in his car. and as funny as it was to hear, i knew it waas killing her. she made a face to tell me that she could care less, but i knew she didn't mean it. i knew she resented it horribly. i knew she didn't deserve to keep hearing this from people. i wish he would leave her alone. and move away and just leave her be. he's stiffed her on alimony this month as well. as much as he's put her through and continues to put her through, he has the nerve to not want to send the $200 he's supposed to pay her a month. the two hundred dollars that wouldn't be able to support anyone, much less my mom. and it's weird, because moments like this always shoot me back to moments when i was his prized daughter and his favorite kid. and it's really hard for me to watch him put my mom through all of this. especially when all she's doing is trying to stay afloat and help me out along whenever she can. it's not like she's not independent. i really do admire my mom for what she's done. but i know she can't do it all and she's not really in the best condition to do it all. it just bothers me, and i've been finding that it's harder hearing about him than it was hearing about him a year or two ago. and it also makes me more adamant about changing my last name. i want nothing to do with him. most of all, i don't want to share his name. and i think that this time, i'm really ready for it.

and quickly jumping topics again. the weekend was what i needed. everything (with the parking ticket exception and a little scuffle thingy) just made me feel better about most things and everything on my mind in general. and it's weekends like this, that i haven't had in a long while. (12:54am)